sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
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Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.