I was up all night reading about insomnia
You Might Also Like
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram