When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny