me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
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I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
*pokes sex life with a stick
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.