Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
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Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
oh you wanna fight?!
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no