My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
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You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”