[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT