For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
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[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
love pickles so much i put myself in one
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
She was rare, like a goth jogging
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now