Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
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The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.