In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
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guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Every time.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
cat vs inanimate object
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.