3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
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“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Well, this is awkward
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Breaking news:
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department