I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
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My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Jupiter
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating