Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
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Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Wednesday
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Beauty and the Beast