I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
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i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.