My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
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I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”