I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
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my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
The USS B port
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.