*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
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My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Xylophonist Shredding It
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.