Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
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I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Friday night party time 🥳
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
When I pack too much for a short trip.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.