I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
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all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
How wrong was this guy?
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
fourth time’s the charm
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.