After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
You Might Also Like
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Is this a threat?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you