Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
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I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
HOW DARE YOU
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
#Caturday
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁