*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
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Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Going to church you guys need anything
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Meow
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it