Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
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Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
whatcha thinkin bout
Y’all know who you are.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.