I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
You Might Also Like
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.