you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
You Might Also Like
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
What kind of a cult is this?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?