50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
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Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
One of the best
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Introverted vegans go meetless
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.