[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
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[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that