Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
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Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I cannot call her anything else now
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say