People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
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Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.