WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
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Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.