You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
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Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*