If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
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Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.