People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
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Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Fries, not lies.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
incredible book dedication
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT