Why can’t mirrors be nicer
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Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker