SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
You Might Also Like
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I’d use my best pan on you.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I beg your pardon?