Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A