We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
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Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee