You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
You Might Also Like
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?