911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
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*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.