ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
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instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Well well well…
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Teach your children to beatbox
ready to be harvested
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.