COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
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When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?