You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
You Might Also Like
thank god the sign was there
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.