Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
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I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
If a snake ate a cake
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi