good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
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She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*