Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
You Might Also Like
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.