Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
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“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Body by sandwich.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
How wrong was this guy?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
PLOT TWIST:
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.