Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
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If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
That lamp looks PISSED.