[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
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Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
why isn’t thunder called soundning
When libraries troll their patrons.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question