My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
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I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.