Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
what does he know…
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.